Week 23: The Balance

After a bad week and a good week I was a little worried how this one was going to go. I thought they might alternate and I’d have to ride this one out and wait for next Monday. As it turns out, it’s been a bit of a mixed bag. Like the preamble to bigger and more exciting things: necessary, full of potential but not quite there yet.

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Although finding maternity skinny jeans was pretty exciting.

This week did remind me of the importance of making plans and keeping busy. Once again I found myself with three days off in a row but made sure that I actually did stuff with them. I’m gonna have plenty of time where I can’t make my own plans without thinking of someone else. For now, I’m determined to shake off the feeling that I’ve been putting my life on hold. I handed my notice in to my bar job- not for anything exciting or anything I’d like to be doing, but at the very least it’s a stable job with regular hours and better pennies. At this point in time, I’m grateful for anything that’ll mean I’m not on my feet for ten hours at a time (although no doubt I’ll lament bar work when I can’t sleep late during the day and go shopping on a midweek afternoon when it’s quiet).

The prospect of having my evenings and weekends back is almost too much. It’s been about a year and a half and I can’t remember the last time Ally and I had a full weekend to ourselves. It got me thinking about looking harder for the positive. It might not be the Dream Job but there’s a lot more going for it than my current situation. We’ve only got a finite number of weekends left of it just being the two of us, and I want to make the most of them. Not being on my feet and working late means I can work on for longer and take more of my maternity leave after the baby’s born. It’ll make it trickier to work midwife appointments and volunteering around, but it’s not impossible. From December onwards our life is going to be all baby, all the time. For now? Well, it’d be nice if we could do our own thing before we have a tiny dictator to answer to.

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Dreamy Sunday walks along the banks of the River Clyde, for example.

This week has also seen some pretty definite growth and real, regular movement. It’s probably about time as I’ve started to feel proper pregnant. Sadly, for now, the li’l bean’s party trick is reserved just for me because he never wants to perform when Ally’s in the room. I tried waking the wee man up but clearly he’s not into it. In the interests of looking for positives, I no longer feel like a creep sitting jiggling my belly in front of my boyfriend. It’s all about that paternal bonding, after all.

In between random outbursts of truffle shuffle, I’ve been feeling a bit hit and miss energy wise. Possibly due to making myself get out and about, since the more I do, the more tired I get. After bragging that my appetite had regulated itself, I realised that I’ve actually eaten out three times this week: after our pit stop at Handmade Burger Co. last week, I went to Edinburgh for tacos and family catch ups with my cousins. I love Mexican food but tacos are probably bottom of the list (quesadillas are the runaway winners, FYI). However, the plan was Bodega, an all-taco restaurant and it wasn’t actually all that bad. Nothing with black beans and butternut squash can be a bad thing anyway. We didn’t manage to catch a show during the Fringe but we had a good ol’ catch up which made up for it. I did set my only remaining pre-pregnancy dress on fire trying to take a picture, but the picture turned out pretty well- I am nailing this negatives into positives thing, right?

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Worth iiiiiiit.

I followed this up with a trip to Ranjit’s Kitchen on Thursday with my Bee for much overdue catch ups and a plethora of paneer. This place has been five minutes from my flat for nearly a year and this was only my first visit- we had to take a 45 minute detour around Queen’s Park to walk it off, but with zero regret.

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I’d had a pretty successful day of volunteering, which I’m loving more every week, because every week there’s something new to get excited about. I spent so long keeping my pregnancy a secret and moaning to Claire about it that I always felt like the bearer of shit news. Excited catch ups and looking forward to what’s ahead wasn’t something I could see way back in early pregnancy days, when it was all I could do to get to the next day. It’s quite nice retaining positivity for a change, even if I did cry at an Instagram account for a terminally ill dog and pictures of li’l piglets because I got upset that bacon exists. Like I said- a mixed bag. It’s difficult when I’ve been having a relatively good day and all of a sudden BAM- hormones. Ally literally left me for five minutes the other night and when he came back I was greetin’ over dogs. At least that’s something I can definitely attribute to pregnancy hormones and not my general mental health.

I feel like the effects of bad news are more immediate and impactful, whereas positive change comes more gradually. It’s why I’ve sometimes felt one bad thing can ruin a good day, or one biscuit can ruin a diet. The trick, for me, is to work around it. Not let it become your sole focus. Think about what you can learn from it and fit it into said positive change. I’m not saying I’m any kind of expert, but it’s working for me so far. If it doesn’t, I guess that’s what a good chat or at least a mental sick day are for.

It’d be naïve of me to assume that one good week mean I’m never going to experience any setbacks. The point of this week’s post, I guess, was to address the fact that I’m coming to terms with this. I had a bad week and it knocked me, I had a good week and felt great. This week I had ups and downs. The difference is that I’ve learned to rationalise bad days. To think about them clearly. To not act as though it’s the end of the world and take my feelings out on the people nearest to me. That’s pretty much as far as I’ve got with it but, for now, I reckon that’s a pretty good start.

TL; DR Highlights and Lowlights

Highlights

A trip through to Edinburgh for a change of scenery and feeling like I was joining in the drinking (minus the fuzzy head and hangover).

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Surprisingly not terrible, FYI.

The prospect of getting my evenings and weekends back.

Working what was potentially my last ever payday weekend Saturday night shift (and boy, was it determined not to let me go without a fight).

Lots of upcoming creative projects to get involved in, find out about and look forward to.

Lowlights

Emotional outbursts coming out of nowhere (I’m an ugly crier so it’s not good in any aspect).

An overwhelming urge to nap more and an inability to get up on my first alarm. The snooze button’s become my best friend, but it’s not a friendship I can afford to nurture.

 

3 Comments

  1. Lucy
    August 29, 2016 / 8:15 pm

    You’re inspiring. Keep going. Looking forward to your next post and your progress. Much love

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